Re: FW: Contemporary Sarcasmic Gems (fwd)

rosaphil (rugosa@interport.net)
Wed, 19 May 1999 18:04:47 -0400 (EDT)


feel free to use them in your cv, therapy session, answering machine,
silk-screen t-shirt run, draft-avoidance interview, entrance to graduate
school application, video-date promo, bowling league motto, mailbox
decoration.

i have and yer all my good friends on acount!


+********** Snail me yer rosehips if you liked this post! ************
*Better Living Thru Better Living!* http://www.interport.net/~rugosa *



> 1.      Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
> 2.      Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
> 3.      Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
> 4.      A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
> 5.      Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
> 6.      Do I look like a freakin' people person?
> 7.      This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
> 8.      I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
> 9.      I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
> 10.     I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
> 11.     If I throw a stick, will you leave?
> 12.     You! Off my planet!
> 13.     Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
> 14.     Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of
> self-control.
> 15.     Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
> 16.     I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
> 17.     Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
> 18.     If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes
> on my cat.
> 19.     Does your train of thought have a caboose?
> 21.     Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
> 22.     Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
> 24.     Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
> 25.     And just how may I screw you over today?
> 26.     And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
> 27.     I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
> 28.     If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
> 29.     See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
> 30.     A PBS mind in an MTV world.
> 31.     Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
> 32.     Allow me to introduce my selves.
> 33.     Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
> 34.     Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
> 35.     Better living through denial.
> 36.     Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
> 37.     Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after
> them.
> 38.     Adult child of alien invaders.
> 39.     Do they ever shut up on your planet?
> 40.     I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
> 41.     Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
> 42.     I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
> 43.     I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
> 44.     A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
> 45.     Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
> fallen asleep yet.
> 46.     Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
> 47.     After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
> 48.     Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
> 49.     Back off! You're standing in my aura.
> 50.     I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
> 51.     Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
> 52.     Adults are just kids who owe money.
> 53.     One of us is thinking about sex..... OK, it's me.
> 54.     How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
> 55.     I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave
> the house?
> 56.     I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
> 57.     It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
> 58.     I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
> 59.     You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
> 60.     Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
> 61.     Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
> 62.     Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
> 63.     Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
> 64.     Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
> 65.     Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
> 66.     Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
> 67.     A woman's favorite position is CEO.
> 68.     Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
> 69.     You look like shit. Is that the style now?
> 70.     Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the
> earth.
> 71.     Earth is full. Go home.
> 72.     Is it time for your medication or mine?
> 73.     Does this condom make me look fat?
> 74.     Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch
> me?
> 75.     I plead contemporary insanity.
> 76.     And which dwarf are you?
> 77.     I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
> 78.     I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
> 79.     How do I set a laser printer to stun?
> 80.     It ain't the size, it's..... no wait-it IS the size.
> 81.     Meandering to a different drummer.
> 82.     I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
> 83.     I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
>
> * * * * * * *
>
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