Re: Don Saklad's Day At BPL (Boston Public Library) FWD
P. Myers (mpwr@u.washington.edu)
Thu, 8 Jan 1998 10:21:38 -0800 (PST)
Tom. Are you trying to tell us that *you are stressed out??
PatM...(Sonny, this is all *your fault!)
(do we laugh or cry...or both?)
On Thu, 8 Jan 1998, Tom Boland wrote:
> FWD From: James "Kibo" Parry kibo@world.std.com via soc.libraries.talk 12-2-97
> About: Don Saklad dsaklad@yaroslav.ai.mit.edu
>
> D O N S A K L A D ' S D A Y
> =================================
>
>
> Don Saklad's life is Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry.
> Do not live Don Saklad's life without written permission from Kibo.
>
> 4:00am -- wake up
> 4:01am -- call Boston Public Library to ask when they open
> 4:02am -- write down that at 4:01am they said 9:00am and that this note
> was made at 4:02am
> 4:03am -- leave for Boston Public Library
> 4:04am -- count the number of cracks in the sidewalk on the way
> 4:05am -- after stepping on a crack by accident, go back and start over
> 4:06am -- write down the license number of the bad boys who yelled swear words
> 4:19am -- arrive at BPL
> 4:20am -- check the back door to see if it's also locked
> 4:21am -- wait patiently by the front door for them to open
> 4:22am -- buy coffee at the Dunkin' Donuts across the street
> 4:23am -- use their bathroom
> 4:24am -- try the library doors again
> 4:25am -- check the library dumpster for discarded evidence of the cover-up
> 4:26am -- use the Dunkin' Donuts bathroom again
> 4:27am -- try to get into the library through the book return slot. Fail.
> 4:28am -- wait impatiently by the front door
> 4:29am -- begin tapping foot exactly 1,666 times, no less, no more
> 4:48am -- use the Dunkin' Donuts bathroom again
> 5:14am -- finish tapping foot. Make a note of it.
> 5:15am -- start tapping foot another 1,666 times to do a re-count for
> accuracy.
> 5:29am -- altercation with homeless man who does not seem to CARE about
> the BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY CONSPIRACY and seems DERANGED!!!
> 5:32am -- resume waiting patiently by the front door
> 5:33am -- check the back door again
> 5:51am -- use the Dunkin' Donuts bathroom again
> 5:55am -- fall asleep in Dunkin' Donuts.
> 10:20am -- wake up at the exact same time LINCOLN WAS SHOT!
> 10:21am -- run across the street to the library.
> 10:22am -- go back and cross the street after looking both ways like the
> policeman said to.
> 10:23am -- enter the library. Ask a security guard what happened between
> 5:55am and 10:23am.
> 10:24am -- When they say they don't know, write their badge number down.
> Ask the name of their supervisor.
> 10:25am -- Write down "Jack Sprat" like they said.
> 10:26am -- use the BPL men's room.
> 10:27am -- count all the books in the BPL.
> 2:18pm -- count all the entries in the card catalog.
> 4:42pm -- okay, so they have the same number. But perhaps DIFFERENT books
> have been censored from each! Spread card catalog out on floor
> to compare.
> 4:43pm -- Hide from library guards in BPL men's room. Also use men's room.
> 4:47pm -- begin counting the number of bricks in the BPL.
> 4:48pm -- start over when distracted by the nutty person down the aisle
> who is counting the number of light bulbs in the BPL.
> 5:02pm -- break for dinner in the cookbook section.
> 5:23pm -- realize that no library personnel have bothered you for almost
> an hour. Start showing your library card to all of them, saying,
> "I HAVE THE CARD, SO I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE" until someone
> disagrees with you.
> 5:24pm -- make a scene.
> 5:25pm -- use the BPL men's room again.
> 5:28pm -- check the paper supply in all library Xerox machines. Try to get
> dimes out by putting chewing gum on a piece of fishing line. Fail.
> 5:32pm -- try to get gum out of hair. Start shouting "STOP STARING AT ME!!!
> I HAVE A LIBRARY CARD!!!"
> 5:37pm -- make a joke about the BPL having VPL. Fail to explain joke
> because saying "VPL" makes you all giggly.
> 5:41pm -- discover some weenie has locked the bathroom door. Run across
> street to Dunkin' Donuts. Injure bladder trying to go through
> BPL turnstile the wrong way.
> 5:44pm -- upon returning, discover the BPL has closed and moved to a secret
> location to prevent you from discovering THE SHOCKING TRUTH OF
> THE SECRET PUBLIC LIBRARY.
> 5:45pm -- go to a trendy cybercafe to surf the Internet.
> 5:46pm -- discover that you've been called "a few fries short of a Happy Meal"
> on a mailing list. Proudly repost it to alt.religion.kibology,
> where everyone deeply cares that your public library fetish was
> impugned. LIBRARY FETISHISM IS A SERIOUS MATTER!!!
> 5:57pm -- go home to watch "Who's The Boss?" and try to solve the mystery
> of who the boss is.
> 5:58pm -- fall asleep with library card clutched in right hand. It falls
> out of the hand and lands in the cat's dish. The cat eats it.
>
> SEE DON SAKLAD RUN THE CAT THROUGH THE LIBRARY'S BAR CODE SCANNER!
> TUNE IN TOMORROW, SAME TIME, SAME DEWEY DECIMAL CODE!
>
> end forward
>
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