soup kitchen SKIT: UFE model for homeless people's street theatre

Tom Boland (wgcp@earthlink.net)
Tue, 28 Apr 1998 08:38:22 -0700 (PDT)


FWD: CC Replies to Andrew Boyd <ab@stw.org> of Artists United for a Fair
Economy
     See also United for a Fair Economy (UFE) http://www.stw.org/

NOTE: Andrew prefaced his forward of the skit to HPN:
"Tell me how you end up using it
and maybe we can network with some of these homeless activists and do
theater together, etc. [in Boston]."


CORPORATE SOUP KITCHEN - SKIT SCRIPT


Roles (can be played by 3 or 5 actors)
LADLER
BUM
CEO'S	Mr. Raytheon
	Mr. McDonalds
	Mr. Fidelity

------------  SCENE 1:  MR. RAYTHEON ------------

(Music:  "Buddy Can You Spare a Dime.")

(LADLER is setting up table, ladling.  BUM enters, is ladled a portion,
sits down, inspects bowl curiously, returns.)

BUM
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

LADLER
What?

BUM
I'm hungry and I thought I could get some soup but there's this piece of
paper in my soup and it says, "official contract of the US Department of
Defense with the Raytheon Corporation..."

LADLER
Yeah, it's a defense Department contract.  That's what we serve here.
Department of Defense contracts, corporate subsidies, tax write-offs,
Savings & Loan bailouts...What do you want?

BUM
Soup.

LADLER
Soup?  Where do you think you are?

BUM
A soup kitchen?

LADLER
No you got it all wrong, pal.  Look we don't serve your kind here.  All
right, you're gonna have to leave, no soup here all right beat it. Get out
of here.

(Sound:  Choppers)

LADLER
Oh look, now here comes a truly needy soul.

(Mr. Raytheon enters.)

LADLER
Mr. Raytheon, how ya been?  How's all that money we gave you?  (jocular)
Mr. Raytheon?  What's the matter, Sir? (concerned)

CEO
The money you gave me...

LADLER
Yeah...?

CEO
It's just wasting away.  And it was only a very little bit of money to
start out with, anyway...

LADLER
We were going to give you more, Mr. Raytheon, honestly we were.

CEO
I know, but it's not for me, it's not me I'm concerned with, it's for all
of those out there who are less fortunate. I mean do you realize that out
there in the 3rd world there are dictators who've never even seen a
shoulder launching anti-tank missile.

LADLER
No?

CEO
Yes!  I mean there are death squads and militias who could have
anti-personnel mines of their very own if only I could just get it to them,
Oh God...

LADLER
Mr. Raytheon, you've been so strong.

CEO
I know, I know.

LADLER
Is there any...?  Look I can help you.

CEO
You can?

LADLER
Here.  How's that?  Is that going to help?

CEO
I need more than that...

LADLER
How bout that, Sir?

CEO
(cries)

LADLER
Mr. Raytheon..?

CEO
Yeah...?

LADLER
(pulls out huge sack of money) Will this do?

CEO
Well, um, I might be able to get a little something accomplished with this...

LADLER
That's good to hear, Mr. Raytheon.

CEO
Thanks a lot.

LADLER
No, thank you.

CEO
The 3rd world appreciates it!

LADLER
Hey, good luck selling those weapons of mass destruction, Mr. Raytheon!
Ah, now there goes a good man.

(Mr. Raytheon exits)

------------  SCENE 2:  MR. MCDONALDS  ------------

LADLER
Memo to myself.  You know, this is a tough job, but I feel a certain degree
of satisfaction, I feel like I'm really making a difference.  Every day
they come to me, the CEO's with tales of woe, their needs, their desperate
efforts to serve the world...  Hey, here comes one now.

(Music:  "You deserve a break today.")
(Mr. McDonalds enters)

BUM
Hey, aren't you Ronald Mcdonald?

(Spot on plastic Ronald McDonald head.)

DISEMBODIED VOICE
Ronald Mcdonald is a registered trademark of the McDonalds Corporation
International and should not be used w/o permission under penalty of death!

CEO
D' you hear that, under penalty of death!
And you!

LADLER
Yes, Mr. M?

CEO
I asked for some help, you know?

LADLER
And we helped you out, didn't we Mr. M?

CEO
448,000 dollars.  A lousy 448,000 dollars, for what?  Oh, to advertise
chicken McNuggets in Turkey.  I happen to know that you gave those Sunkist
people, who I told you not to be messin' with, 10 million dollars.  10
million dollars for freakin' orange juice...!

LADLER
Seemed like a good idea at the time, Mr. M.

CEO
Look, McDonalds Corporation has got a vision, we're trying to make the
Third World part of our own little special happy family...

LADLER
And we have the utmost respect for your overseas marketing campaign.

CEO
Well, why don't you show a little respect, huh?  It's all about respect,
in' it?

LADLER
Well, yeah...?

CEO
And we're trying to get culturally sensitive here, we're trying to get
global, you know, McKimChee, McYamFooFoo, McBorscht...

LADLER
That's a great idea...

CEO
Yeah, I know, I mean we're not just about hamburgers anymore.

BUM
Hamburger, did somebody say hamburger...?!

LADLER
Look buddy, I'm not going to tell you again.  God!

CEO
Disgusting!  It's just a disgrace.

LADLER
I know.  God helps those that helps themselves

CEO
Right...

LADLER
Here, Mr. M., help yourself.  (hands over a bunch of money)

CEO
Thank you...ah...Thank God.
I'll be back.

LADLER
Take care Mr. M.

CEO
Yeah, watch it.

LADLER
Phew, that was close!

(BUM banging on table.)

LADLER
What?!!

BUM
Do you think I could get a pair of socks?

LADLER
Socks?

BUM
Yeah socks, it's freezing out here, my feet are wet, I'm cold...

LADLER
All right, all right, I'm going to impart a piece of wisdom to you:  Give a
man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him
for a lifetime.

BUM
I don't need fish, I need socks.

LADLER
I could give you a pair of socks, but where would that leave you?

BUM
With a pair of socks.

LADLER
Technically yes, but what would you be?  You'd still be a bum, a beggar, a
parasite on society.  But, say, if you were to be a man, stand on your own
two feet.  If you were to, say, start your own sock business, maybe start
your own sock sweatshop, in Guatemala, no, I know, in Haiti, they make
really good socks down there.  From there you could buy socks, sell socks,
start your own sock cartel.  Show a little entrepreneurship, a little
drive, a little capitalist spirit...  But no, you've got to be a burden on
the system, you've got to look to others to take care of your needs...
Well, you know something, I can't help you, cause you're a bum!

------------  SCENE 3:  MR. FIDELITY ------------

(Mr. Fidelity, enters)

LADLER
Mr. Fidelity, how you been?
Mr. Fidelity, what's wrong, you don't look so good...

CEO
I'm exhausted...

LADLER
You wait right there...

CEO
Oh God...

(LADLER throws BUM out of his chair and brings it over for Mr. Fidelity.)

LADLER
Here you go, what can I do for you Mr. Fidelity, anything at all.

CEO
It's been a nightmare, I've just been buying and selling, buying, selling,
selling, buying, and buying...  I only made 5 million dollars this year,

LADLER
Only 5...?!

CEO
And you know what...  They taxed me.  The bastards taxed me!  God, I can't
take any more of this, I really can't!

LADLER
I can help you, Mr. Fidelity.

CEO
Really?

LADLER
Yeah.  C'mon, you're tired, you need to lie down, rest up a little bit, why
don't you come on back, we've got a nice bed you can get into with
Congress, OK?

CEO
Really?

LADLER
Yeah, we can rewrite the tax codes for you.

CEO
Oh, yeah?

LADLER
You can deduct your salary.

CEO
Yeah?

LADLER
No matter how much you make.

CEO
No matter how big it is, I can deduct my salary?

LADLER
No matter how big it is!

CEO
No matter how big it is, I can deduct my salary?!

LADLER
You can make it as big as you want it to be!

CEO
As big as I want it to be...?!

LADLER
As big as you want it to be!

CEO
Wow, that's terrific!
Cause I've got a big salary!

LADLER
Big salary!

CEO
Big salary!

LADLER
Big salary!

CEO
That's so nice.

LADLER
Yeah.

(LADLER & Mr. Fidelity exit)

(BUM comes over to table, gets some paper, sits in chair facing audience,
begins to eat paper, follow spot closes in.)

(Music:  "Buddy Can You Spare a Dime.")

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