[Hpn] Long Silences

Harmony Kieding worldhome@thesociety.net
Thu, 27 Feb 2003 02:50:12 -0800


Hi Morgan,

It's good to hear from you! And also a relief:

"Suffice it to say that if anything had gotten to a point of being either very
wrong with me or extremely troubling for me, I would have broken my silence
long enough to reach out to someone for help and support."

Over the couple of years I've been on this list, I've gradually gotten to know
a few of us better, what with emails and networking and such... (Joe Reynolds,
Bill Tinker, Sonny, Tom, Bridget Reilly, Indio, Chance... the folks in Dignity
Village and our tent city brothers in Japan, among others)

Morgan, while understanding the need behind "Long Silences", I just want to
say that I appreciate what you do say and write on behalf of yourself and us
all. You would definitely be missed if the silence went on tooooo long, my bro.


Harmony

American Homeless Land Model
http://www.dreamwater.org/biz/kenchurchill/index.html







>
>Just wanted to share a piece with you that I recently wrote, posted and just

>re-edited concerning my "Long Silences".
>
>Morgan <norsehorse@hotmail.com>
>Morgan W. Brown
>Montpelier Vermont USA
>Norsehorse's Home Turf: http://nht.blogspot.com
>
>--------------------------------------------------------
>
>-------Forwarded FYI-------
>
>As found posted at Norsehorse's Home Turf: http://nht.blogspot.com
>
>
>Long Silences
>
>by Morgan W. Brown
>Tuesday, February 25, 2003
>Montpelier, Vermont
>
>
>It has been nearly three long weeks since I last blogged anything either 
>here at Norsehorse's Home Turf or elsewhere for that matter: i.e., 
>Norsehorse's Home Turf Retro-Blog or the North American Homeless News 
>Network (NAHNN).
>
>Those who may believe they know me rather well or may otherwise think they

>have gotten use to some my many ways, are aware that there are those times
I 
>am known to frequently write, post and e-mail at a rather furious pace and

>often in a wordy fashion, either whenever I come across something that seems

>to be of interest to share or if and when something comes to mind that I 
>feel needs exploring and saying.
>
>Yet these same people may have also learned that there are those times as 

>well when I seem to vanish without either a word or a trace.
>
>It is as if I have become lost to them amid what can only be explained as 

>long silences [click here].
>
>None of these people are at all alone in experiencing this when it happens

>though. That is because I or my inner voice have also become lost to myself

>somehow as well, so this is pretty much what and how I experience such times

>within myself too.
>
>Of course not everyone understands or endures such episodes well, nor do I

>ever really expect anyone to do so either.
>
>The truth is that many of these types of experiences have usually led to 
>confusion, hurt and angry feelings as well as harmed or even lost 
>relationships.
>
>This may be one of the things that, in turn, got me into more trouble as 
>sometimes I use to wait far too long to do anything about what may be wrong

>or disconnected within myself out of the very real fear of losing needed 
>relationships and support networks.
>
>Sometimes these silences only last for several hours, while others can last

>for several days. However it is not uncommon for me to get lost in such 
>silent periods for weeks and occasionally for months.
>
>In fact there was a time in my life when being lost in virtual silence for

>months on end, or even for a period of years, was even more common.
>
>None of this ever has been an attempt on my part to be or remain mysterious

>however.
>
>The silences of which I am describing are not of the variety when I have 
>specifically chosen to no longer speak to or engage with certain individuals

>as a way to protect myself from further harm inflicted by them either.
>
>There are times when I feel there is no longer much of a choice but to 
>finally let go of what seems safe and comfortable, even if only temporarily,

>in order to allow myself to journey and to take the risk of getting lost in

>the hope to find and nurture my voice, to reconnect within myself once 
>again.
>
>Other times there is simply the strong need of escaping off someplace in an

>attempt to seek refuge and to heal.
>
>It is not that I do not value having solid and meaningful relationships with

>others or that I cannot handle such either though.
>
>No matter how much of an effort I made so far to do otherwise, I have not 

>quite fully learned yet how to keep both going in a more balanced state at

>the same time.
>
>The one thing that has long been clear to me is that the only one whom I can

>hope to change is myself, so I go to work focused on doing it in my own 
>intense style.
>
>When I eventually break out of a time of having disappeared into silence, it

>can take me a long time to explain why I did so, what happened, where I was

>and what I did.
>
>There is not always an easy or readily understandable reason to provide: 
>i.e., at times I do not clearly know or understand the why, what and where.

>
>This is an attempt to say that this is the prison I often find myself locked

>and secluded within. My own private hell, though not necessarily of my own

>making, yet one which I have struggled to break free of, however slowly or

>fruitlessly at times.
>
>Though I have slowly learned not to try to do it all completely on my own,

>the means as well as the results sought definitely has to be on terms that
I 
>and I alone can live and be at peace with. Nothing else is ever a good or 

>better substitute.
>
>At times my focus can be such that it is very important to know and remember

>that it is not that I have stopped listening or that I cannot hear others.

>It is just that my voice or even my wounded or dying spirit is trapped and
I 
>am off searching for the understanding to make sense of my experiences as 

>well as the words to describe them.
>
>It can be a terribly lonely feeling and scary experience, but it would be 

>worse to allow myself to lose my voice either for too long a period or 
>possibly risk it for good or, even much worse, to not even try to get it 
>back and have it be speaking freely once again.
>
>Whenever I do wearily venture forth and return, it is always my hope that 

>there still be someone around to share them with.
>
>Suffice it to say that if anything had gotten to a point of being either 
>very wrong with me or extremely troubling for me, I would have broken my 
>silence long enough to reach out to someone for help and support.
>
>In those cases when I eventually break out of my long silences for reasons,

>like now, that does not include my directly reaching out for help and 
>support concerning something specific, it means that all is well -- at least

>for the time being anyway.
>
>-------End of forward-------
>
>Morgan <norsehorse@hotmail.com>
>Morgan W. Brown
>Montpelier Vermont USA
>Norsehorse's Home Turf: http://nht.blogspot.com
>
>
>
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