[Hpn] Long Silences

Morgan W. Brown norsehorse@hotmail.com
Wed, 26 Feb 2003 02:12:36 -0500


Just wanted to share a piece with you that I recently wrote, posted and just 
re-edited concerning my "Long Silences".

Morgan <norsehorse@hotmail.com>
Morgan W. Brown
Montpelier Vermont USA
Norsehorse's Home Turf: http://nht.blogspot.com

--------------------------------------------------------

-------Forwarded FYI-------

As found posted at Norsehorse's Home Turf: http://nht.blogspot.com


Long Silences

by Morgan W. Brown
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
Montpelier, Vermont


It has been nearly three long weeks since I last blogged anything either 
here at Norsehorse's Home Turf or elsewhere for that matter: i.e., 
Norsehorse's Home Turf Retro-Blog or the North American Homeless News 
Network (NAHNN).

Those who may believe they know me rather well or may otherwise think they 
have gotten use to some my many ways, are aware that there are those times I 
am known to frequently write, post and e-mail at a rather furious pace and 
often in a wordy fashion, either whenever I come across something that seems 
to be of interest to share or if and when something comes to mind that I 
feel needs exploring and saying.

Yet these same people may have also learned that there are those times as 
well when I seem to vanish without either a word or a trace.

It is as if I have become lost to them amid what can only be explained as 
long silences [click here].

None of these people are at all alone in experiencing this when it happens 
though. That is because I or my inner voice have also become lost to myself 
somehow as well, so this is pretty much what and how I experience such times 
within myself too.

Of course not everyone understands or endures such episodes well, nor do I 
ever really expect anyone to do so either.

The truth is that many of these types of experiences have usually led to 
confusion, hurt and angry feelings as well as harmed or even lost 
relationships.

This may be one of the things that, in turn, got me into more trouble as 
sometimes I use to wait far too long to do anything about what may be wrong 
or disconnected within myself out of the very real fear of losing needed 
relationships and support networks.

Sometimes these silences only last for several hours, while others can last 
for several days. However it is not uncommon for me to get lost in such 
silent periods for weeks and occasionally for months.

In fact there was a time in my life when being lost in virtual silence for 
months on end, or even for a period of years, was even more common.

None of this ever has been an attempt on my part to be or remain mysterious 
however.

The silences of which I am describing are not of the variety when I have 
specifically chosen to no longer speak to or engage with certain individuals 
as a way to protect myself from further harm inflicted by them either.

There are times when I feel there is no longer much of a choice but to 
finally let go of what seems safe and comfortable, even if only temporarily, 
in order to allow myself to journey and to take the risk of getting lost in 
the hope to find and nurture my voice, to reconnect within myself once 
again.

Other times there is simply the strong need of escaping off someplace in an 
attempt to seek refuge and to heal.

It is not that I do not value having solid and meaningful relationships with 
others or that I cannot handle such either though.

No matter how much of an effort I made so far to do otherwise, I have not 
quite fully learned yet how to keep both going in a more balanced state at 
the same time.

The one thing that has long been clear to me is that the only one whom I can 
hope to change is myself, so I go to work focused on doing it in my own 
intense style.

When I eventually break out of a time of having disappeared into silence, it 
can take me a long time to explain why I did so, what happened, where I was 
and what I did.

There is not always an easy or readily understandable reason to provide: 
i.e., at times I do not clearly know or understand the why, what and where.

This is an attempt to say that this is the prison I often find myself locked 
and secluded within. My own private hell, though not necessarily of my own 
making, yet one which I have struggled to break free of, however slowly or 
fruitlessly at times.

Though I have slowly learned not to try to do it all completely on my own, 
the means as well as the results sought definitely has to be on terms that I 
and I alone can live and be at peace with. Nothing else is ever a good or 
better substitute.

At times my focus can be such that it is very important to know and remember 
that it is not that I have stopped listening or that I cannot hear others. 
It is just that my voice or even my wounded or dying spirit is trapped and I 
am off searching for the understanding to make sense of my experiences as 
well as the words to describe them.

It can be a terribly lonely feeling and scary experience, but it would be 
worse to allow myself to lose my voice either for too long a period or 
possibly risk it for good or, even much worse, to not even try to get it 
back and have it be speaking freely once again.

Whenever I do wearily venture forth and return, it is always my hope that 
there still be someone around to share them with.

Suffice it to say that if anything had gotten to a point of being either 
very wrong with me or extremely troubling for me, I would have broken my 
silence long enough to reach out to someone for help and support.

In those cases when I eventually break out of my long silences for reasons, 
like now, that does not include my directly reaching out for help and 
support concerning something specific, it means that all is well -- at least 
for the time being anyway.

-------End of forward-------

Morgan <norsehorse@hotmail.com>
Morgan W. Brown
Montpelier Vermont USA
Norsehorse's Home Turf: http://nht.blogspot.com



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