[Hpn] The Shelter Christmas Party Memo

H C Covington H C Covington <hccjr@bellsouth.net>
Mon, 16 Dec 2002 16:12:21 -0600


The Shelter Christmas Party Memo 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will
take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There
will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing
traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family. 

Patty Lewis Human
Resources Director

December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday
that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not
this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director


December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous
anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts
will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much
money.

Patty Lewis 
Human Researchers Director


December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table.
Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's
table.

Happy now?

Patty Lewis 
Human Racehorses Director



December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our
CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does
happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own
"little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis 
Human Ratraces



December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold
this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you
can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as
you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic
tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream
when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
right now... Ha!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you
hear me?

Patty Lewis
The Bitch from Hell



December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness. 

I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director



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