Mon, 29 Jan 2001 13:34:10 -0700
RULES FOR BEING A GOOD REPUBLICAN IN 21st CENTURY AMERICA
1) You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity
was due entirely to the work of Ronald Reagan and George
Bush, but that yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault.
2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve
success all on their own.
3) You have to be against government programs, but expect
your Social Security checks on time.
4) You have to believe that government should stay out of
people's lives, yet you want government to regulate only
opposite-gender marriages and what your official language
5) You have to believe that pollution is OK, so long as it
makes a profit.
6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as people
don't pray to Allah, Krishna or Buddha.
7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still
8) You have to believe that women cannot be trusted with
decisions about their own bodies, but that large multinational
corporations should have no regulation or interference
9) You know you love Jesus and that Jesus loves you and that
Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals,
and President Clinton.
10) You have to believe that society is colorblind and growing
up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities,
but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
11) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to
spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no
other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.
12) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a
handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is
an important concern for all Americans.
13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of
schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have
condoms they won't have sex.
14) You have to believe that the American Civil Liberties Union
is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the
National Rifle Association is good because they defend
15) You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere,
and that Europe doesn't exist.
16) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough
to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting
death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated
about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.
17) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting
the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics
of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and
violence, is good reading.
18) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have
killed more Americans than private handguns, alcohol, and
19) You have to believe that even though governments have
supported the arts for 5000 years and that most of the great
works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our
government should shun any such support. After all, the
rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.
20) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent
of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of
those forests and the extinction of the several species of
plants and animals therein.
21) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt
Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital
infidelities,but that bastard Clinton should be impeached.
22) You have to believe that the Federal Government should
always respect the sovereign rights of the States to
determine and define their own laws, except when you
need to elect a Republican as El Presidente.
All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature,
compulsion, habit, reason, passion, desire.
Coalition on Homelessness, San Francisco
468 Turk Street
San Francisco, CA 94102
415 / 346.3740 - voice
415 / 775.5639 - fax