[Hpn] your guess may be better than mine

Joseph Reynolds reynolds@webmail.pe.net
Fri, 02 Feb 2001 12:31:04 0


I just used my 1/2 hr. a day turn on the 1 computer officially on the internet here at my local library. ( there are a couple of "catalog" systems that have an unofficial, suspiciosly accidental backdoors online that I use to check email when it is slow here) I went to Bonnie's site. Thanks for the URL the other day Bonnie.
  While there is nothing "easy" about being homeless I was upset by what I read. Not with Bonnie but because it struck several nerves on my personal level.  The economic aspects are barely endurable: the conditions frankly suck (and I have had it easier than so much of what I've read , to be truthful. I've had lots of luck I didn't deserve.) but the worst part to me has to be in what happens in interpersonal relationships. I was sure that as I read more that Bonnie and Kerre ( forgive me if I spelt his name wrong ) would be driven apart by circumstances and the maybe well-intentioned acts of others ( i say maybe as I know too many who enjoy anothers misery)
  At times like this I was always told that people "come together" in mutual aid and caring. Bonnie, I don't know how you guys made it, you have my respect and quite frankly my envy as well. I find that Much I went through so corrosive to my spirit that it affects how I relate. And that it ended most of my relationships. So where the hell were those close family members we all have?
The one voice of encouragement I had was in no position to do anything for me and she paid a heavy price to maintain our friendship when others well turned on us. And most of them... yeah unfortunately some I can't go into because it affects another and I don't think I'd have her permission to discus what is basically her business. 
   So how do we deal with these family and friends who seem to not give a damn? Do we just forgive them and go on? Wish I was good at that, not one of my fortes. 
  It is just that on top of everything else this abandonment seems so cruel to me. So uncalled for and so unexpected. But whenever I read someone's testimoial about their homelessness it strikes me as this is the worst part of it all. Don:t know, maybe I need to grow up, or whatever, and not give a damn about what my family did. Maybe I should tell my 28 year old daughter to go fuck off - not that we talk . Though all I've read by others tells me that what our old friends and old family have done is desicable. 
  It is worse than the idea that "I'll feed you but you gotta listen to my sermon" some endorse. And not only is that a tremendous act of ego ( the sin of pride) but is actually very unChristian. I know these people will quote the loaves and fishes bit right now but the truth being that they get it wrong. That was not payment (a bribe) to listen, it was done because it was needed -his duty whether or not he ever said anything ever. That is the point. 
  There is something so unChristian about most "christian" services.
  I'm glad I got to read Bonnie's pages. Like reading The Tedrico pages it gives me hope. Something I treasure much more than sleeping on that stupid thin blue mat at the Salvation Army floor ever will be. Maybe it is that in a few days I'm going to be 52 or that there are certain emotional hurdles U'm never going to clear but I find it hard to express some things and family is at the heart of it all for good and for bad. I hope I'm making some sense and not just making myself into a fool.