[Hpn] Things are getting out of hand..../....spoof!

Bill Tinker wtinker@fcgnetworks.net
Sat, 18 Nov 2000 08:33:53 -0500


 
  (AP) WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Tuesday morning,
 Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of
 America.
 The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the
 state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential
 election.
 "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian
 Gonzales, now this."
 Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time
 coming.
 "We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney
 Frank.
 "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now."  Added Frank,
 "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately?  Oh
 that's
 right, screw up our entire democracy.
 In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy
 commented
  that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up
  billions of dollars in social security funds.  "These are valuable funds
  which can now be redirected toward national defense.  We can finally
  rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring
  applause.
From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected senator Hillary
  
  Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill,
 calling
 Florida "a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban immigrants."
  
  "Learn freaking English already, you banana boat bums," Clinton added.
 As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new
 election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each
 state
 will be tabulated by robots.
 "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently
 flawed,"
 said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert.  "The presence of these new,
 superior robot mast - err, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100%
 accuracy."
 "Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted
 by
 robots."
 Dynamiting will begin in Florida next Wednesday, after which the state
 will
 be completely geographically separated from the United States.