[Hpn] Things are getting out of hand..../....spoof!
Sat, 18 Nov 2000 08:33:53 -0500
(AP) WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Tuesday morning,
Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of
The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the
state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential
"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian
Gonzales, now this."
Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time
"We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney
"They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank,
"They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh
right, screw up our entire democracy.
In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy
that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up
billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds
which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally
rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring
From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected senator Hillary
Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill,
Florida "a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban immigrants."
"Learn freaking English already, you banana boat bums," Clinton added.
As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new
election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each
will be tabulated by robots.
"It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently
said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new,
superior robot mast - err, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100%
"Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted
Dynamiting will begin in Florida next Wednesday, after which the state
be completely geographically separated from the United States.