[Hpn] Nation Plunges Into Chaos [satire]

chance martin streetsheet@sf-homeless-coalition.org
Thu, 16 Nov 2000 20:41:22 -0700


Nation Plunges Into Chaos

<http://onion.com/onion3641/nation_plunges_into_chaos.html>

Pro-Bush Rebels Seize Power In West; DC In Flames

WASHINGTON, DC
Presidential-election-related violence continued to spread across the nation
Tuesday, with Day Seven of the battle for the White House claiming another
1,200 lives.

In Bush-controlled Tennessee, news of Gorešs call for a sixth recount in the
disputed territory of Florida sparked full-scale rioting, with Republican
militiamen setting fire to Gorešs heavily fortified Nashville compound. It
is believed Gore running mate Joseph Lieberman was trapped in the blaze,
though his whereabouts and status were unknown as of press time.
In Austin, Democrats continued to clash with armed Bush troops outside the
Texas capitol.

Inside, the Bush family waited for news on the welfare and whereabouts of
Dick Cheney, who wascarried off by a band of NARAL Reproductive-Freedom
Fighters.Washington sources reported via short-wave radio that the city is
littered with burning and abandoned National Guard tanks. The last D.C.
television transmissions, which were broadcast at 11:22 p.m. EST Monday,
showed the drowned bodies of more than 200 Young Republicans in the National
Mallšs cyanide-laced reflecting pool. It is unknown whether the deaths are a
mass suicide or the work of a Democratic guerrilla group operating out of
the Gore-controlled territory of Maryland.

Since declaring himself President For Life, President Clinton has remained
sealed inside a subterranean White House bunker with a cadre of Secret
Service personnel and a stockpile of canned goods. Like the many state
governors who declared themselves regional warlords over the weekend,
Clinton said he plans to wait out the fighting in the streets.

Meanwhile, Bush and Gore steadfastly maintained their claims to the
presidency after respectively declaring Austin, TX, and Nashville the
provisional national capitals. While Gore controls much of the nationšs
Northeast and Upper Midwest, Bush currently holds all territory west of the
Mississippi River except California and Washington. Each man has issued
commands to the American people to cease rioting and acknowledge him as
president and has ordered the armed forces to salute him as the next
Commander In Chief.

Borders between Gore states and Bush states have been witness to some of the
fiercest fighting of the past week. Along the Illinois-Indiana border, an
estimated 240 people have died in skirmishes, including 47 Danville, IL,
residents in a midnight Hoosier raid on the Gore-controlled state. On
Sunday, police at the Arizona-California border turned away more than 40,000
Golden State Republicans seeking to cross into Bush-controlled Arizona.

Democratic refugees attempting to cross in the opposite direction were
similarly rebuffed.

News of other presidential candidates is sketchy at best. On Monday,
National

Public Radio reported that a man "strongly resembling" Ralph Nader was
crucified at the hands of angry New Hampshire Democrats. Pat Buchanan is
believed to have entered Florida with several hundred Jewish
followers shortly before communications with the state were lost.

Libertarian Party candidate Harry Browne is believed to be mounting a
challenge to election results in Suffolk County, NY, where Constitution
Party candidate Howard Phillips edged him out for fifth place by just two
votes.

Alan Greenspan, who established the Fed-In-Exile in Paris last Friday, has
announced a freeze on the markets until order can be restored. He has
temporarily fixed the value of the U.S. dollar at $15 Canadian.
Citizens have been urged to stay in their homes and keep their lights off
until further notice.