[HPN] Blame the "victim?" by Allison Lum

[Coalition on Homelessness, SF]

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We see violence on the TV at night in our homes. The media loves 
juicy morsels of footage. Four bodies discovered. Man shoots wife and 
kids, then himself. Women attacked, then bodies dumped off highway. 
The viewer is only left to feel remorse and anger, it's an easy 
target. Put the perpetrator away. Blame the "victim?"

However, often in conversations with people who witness acts of 
violence, I hear people focus on the victim, "What was she wearing?" 
"Why did she stop and talk to that guy on the street corner?" "Why 
did she walk through that neighborhood at that time?" It is as if we 
see the victims as the criminals. We sentence them to an outcast 
status in society. We sentence them to silence. We sentence them to 
death. You have better chances of being attacked by someone you love 
than being hit by a car. People rarely describe what the victim of a 
car accident was wearing as the cause of the accident. If women were 
to follow all of these unspoken rules we would never do anything or 
go anywhere.

The end result? We see (usually men) before the breaking point, we 
blow it off in our minds, make excuses, don't know how to respond, 
don't want to get involved, are afraid.
"The police always come for a drug bust, but I never see them come 
when someone's screaming in their room for help," one hotel resident 
said of violence in her hotel.
Why is it that men are not asked to take a look at (instead of asking 
what the victims wearing, as if she were the criminal) their behavior 
and their attitudes toward women? How they can unlearn the violence 
that society seems so intent on promoting? How can they learn really 
fundamental communication skills - skills that have been shown to 
reduce anger and violence?

How hard can it really be?

Well, I asked someone who had a problem with violence. Here is what I learned:
 
When you tried to get help, what did you do?
I did research, calling places to get help, so I could become less 
violent. There are two places in SF that deal with abusers. I went to 
MOVE, an organization called Men Overcoming Violence. I did an 
intake, over a period of 3 weeks, which cost $35. They ask questions 
about your violence history. In my case, I have a drug history. 
During the intake you have to sign a contract - the contract asks you 
to report future violent acts and requires you to be clean (3 to 6 
months) prior to seeking help at MOVE.

So from that point on I tried to comply with them, but in my mind I 
was very hesitant to provide any information regarding drug abuse. I 
did tell them. So at this point, any drug use means that all 
counseling is put on hold. There is a pee test. They mandate that you 
either go into an inpatient, medically-assisted detox, or just a cold 
turkey detox. I went to check in to a drug program at Redwood Center.

I was put on a waiting list for 2 months. To remain on their waiting 
list they require you to be "clean," check in everyday with a phone 
call, show up every Friday in person for a piss test, and attend 3 NA 
meetings a week. This is after going through more intake processes 
and seeing a doctor.

So basically for you this would mean whatever skills you could learn 
from MOVE to become less violent might be put on hold until after a 
90 day clean period, which would start after the 2 month waiting list 
to begin treatment?
Yes, that's correct.

What happens if you are piss dirty? Or Don't call?
They say, "Hey, you are not taking us seriously!"

How does that make you feel?
I think it's shitty. The reason I feel that way is because I was 
putting effort into trying to get into this program and trying to get 
help. There were times I had to "choose" to appear in court or 
"choose" to show up on Friday for a "volunteer" piss test.

*	*	*

A year passed, by this time he had tried the other place, Man Alive. 
When he went there they told him that they only provide services for 
gay men. He didn't notify them that he was straight. In fact he 
played it off like he was still in the closet. He was in. He thought 
he might receive some counseling or something. They wanted to give 
him medication because they thought by reducing stress in his life, 
it could reduce violence. The counseling consisted of two 90 minute 
sessions with the "victim." He couldn't bring his "victim" in because 
his "victim" was actually a she.

This was a very rare case. He might have killed her by now, but 
fortunately that didn't happen.

If this is how hard it is for men to get help, I can't imagine what 
it's like for the woman. Not to mention that during these time 
periods of red tape and booby traps, I kept picturing in my head the 
woman suffering the end result of all this bullshit.

Broken bones, bruises and fear are not enough reasons for this issue 
to be taken seriously. How long will this go on?

If you're a woman wanting to overcome domestic violence problems, call
W.O.M.A.N. Inc
24 hr crisis line: 415.864.4722
Office: 415.864.4777

OR

If you're a man overcoming problems with domestic violence, call
Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE)
415.626.6683

POCOVI (Spanish speaking)
415.552.1361

San Francisco ManAlive
415.239.8062

END FORWARD

**In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. section 107, this material is
distributed without charge or profit to those who have expressed a prior
interest in receiving this type of information for non-profit research and
educational purposes only.**

*******************************************************
7,500+ POSTS by or via homeless & ex-homeless people
Nothing About Us Without Us - Democratize Public Policy
*******************************************************
_______________________________________________

Coalition on Homelessness, San Francisco
468 Turk St.
San Francisco, CA 94102
vox: (415) 346.3740
Fax: (415) 775.5639
coh@sfo.com
http://www.sfo.com/~coh
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***********************************************************

HOMELESS PEOPLE'S VIEWS, News, Alerts, Actions & Research

7,000+ ONLINE POSTS by or via homeless & ex-homeless people


INFO & to join/leave list - Tom Boland <<wgcp@earthlink.net>

***********************************************************

<fontfamily><param>Times</param>We see violence on the TV at night in
our homes. The media loves juicy morsels of footage. Four bodies
discovered. Man shoots wife and kids, then himself. Women attacked,
then bodies dumped off highway. The viewer is only left to feel remorse
and anger, it's an easy target. Put the perpetrator away. Blame the
"victim?"


However, often in conversations with people who witness acts of
violence, I hear people focus on the victim, "What was she wearing?"
"Why did she stop and talk to that guy on the street corner?" "Why did
she walk through that neighborhood at that time?" It is as if we see
the victims as the criminals. We sentence them to an outcast status in
society. We sentence them to silence. We sentence them to death. You
have better chances of being attacked by someone you love than being
hit by a car. People rarely describe what the victim of a car accident
was wearing as the cause of the accident. If women were to follow all
of these unspoken rules we would never do anything or go anywhere. 


The end result? We see (usually men) before the breaking point, we blow
it off in our minds, make excuses, don't know how to respond, don't
want to get involved, are afraid.

"The police always come for a drug bust, but I never see them come when
someone's screaming in their room for help," one hotel resident said of
violence in her hotel.

Why is it that men are not asked to take a look at (instead of asking
what the victims wearing, as if she were the criminal) their behavior
and their attitudes toward women? How they can unlearn the violence
that society seems so intent on promoting? How can they learn really
fundamental communication skills - skills that have been shown to
reduce anger and violence?


How hard can it really be?


Well, I asked someone who had a problem with violence. Here is what I
learned:

 

<italic>When you tried to get help, what did you do?

</italic>I did research, calling places to get help, so I could become
less violent. There are two places in SF that deal with abusers. I went
to MOVE, an organization called Men Overcoming Violence. I did an
intake, over a period of 3 weeks, which cost $35. They ask questions
about your violence history. In my case, I have a drug history. During
the intake you have to sign a contract - the contract asks you to
report future violent acts and requires you to be clean (3 to 6 months)
prior to seeking help at MOVE. 


So from that point on I tried to comply with them, but in my mind I was
very hesitant to provide any information regarding drug abuse. I did
tell them. So at this point, any drug use means that all counseling is
put on hold. There is a pee test. They mandate that you either go into
an inpatient, medically-assisted detox, or just a cold turkey detox. I
went to check in to a drug program at Redwood Center. 


I was put on a waiting list for 2 months. To remain on their waiting
list they require you to be "clean," check in everyday with a phone
call, show up every Friday in person for a piss test, and attend 3 NA
meetings a week. This is after going through more intake processes and
seeing a doctor.


<italic>So basically for you this would mean whatever skills you could
learn from MOVE to become less violent might be put on hold until after
a 90 day clean period, which would start after the 2 month waiting list
to begin treatment?

</italic>Yes, that's correct.


<italic>What happens if you are piss dirty? Or Don't call?

</italic>They say, "Hey, you are not taking us seriously!"


<italic>How does that make you feel?

</italic>I think it's shitty. The reason I feel that way is because I
was putting effort into trying to get into this program and trying to
get help. There were times I had to "choose" to appear in court or
"choose" to show up on Friday for a "volunteer" piss test.


*	*	*


A year passed, by this time he had tried the other place, Man Alive.
When he went there they told him that they only provide services for
gay men. He didn't notify them that he was straight. In fact he played
it off like he was still in the closet. He was in. He thought he might
receive some counseling or something. They wanted to give him
medication because they thought by reducing stress in his life, it
could reduce violence. The counseling consisted of two 90 minute
sessions with the "victim." He couldn't bring his "victim" in because
his "victim" was actually a she.


This was a very rare case. He might have killed her by now, but
fortunately that didn't happen.


If this is how hard it is for men to get help, I can't imagine what
it's like for the woman. Not to mention that during these time periods
of red tape and booby traps, I kept picturing in my head the woman
suffering the end result of all this bullshit.


Broken bones, bruises and fear are not enough reasons for this issue to
be taken seriously. How long will this go on?


<italic>If you're a woman wanting to overcome domestic violence
problems, call

W.O.M.A.N. Inc

24 hr crisis line: 415.864.4722

Office: 415.864.4777


OR


If you're a man overcoming problems with domestic violence, call

Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE)

415.626.6683


POCOVI (Spanish speaking)

415.552.1361


San Francisco ManAlive

415.239.8062


</italic></fontfamily>END FORWARD


**In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. section 107, this material is

distributed without charge or profit to those who have expressed a
prior

interest in receiving this type of information for non-profit research
and

educational purposes only.**


*******************************************************


7,500+ POSTS by or via homeless & ex-homeless people

Nothing About Us Without Us - Democratize Public Policy

*******************************************************

_______________________________________________



Coalition on Homelessness, San Francisco

468 Turk St.

San Francisco, CA 94102

vox: (415) 346.3740

Fax: (415) 775.5639

coh@sfo.com

http://www.sfo.com/~coh

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