[Hpn] another yeasty threat to america's youth

chance martin streetsheet@sf-homeless-coalition.org
Sun, 10 Dec 2000 13:56:38 -0700

I've done a little research, and what I've
 discovered should make anyone think twice....

 1.   More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

 2.   Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
      households score below average on standardized tests.

 3.   In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in
      the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
      infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
      in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
      influenza ravaged whole nations.

 4.   More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within
      24 hours of eating bread.

 5.   Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
      proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
      suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than
      that in one month!

 6.   Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
      incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and

 7.   Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
      bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as
      little as two days.

 8.   Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
      "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even
      cold cuts.

 9.   Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
      more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could
      lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food
      product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

 10.  Newborn babies can choke on bread.

 11.  Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
      That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

 12.  Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
      between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical

 In light of these frightening statistics,
 we propose the following bread restrictions:

 1.   No sale of bread to minors.

 2.   A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity
      TV spots and bumper stickers.

 3.   A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
      ills we might associate with bread.

 4.   No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
      appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

 5.   The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

 Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who
 cares about this crucial issue.

 Remember: Think idiotically, act globally!


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